America’s Next Top Model Sucks
In the beginning, America’s Next Top Model seemed like it might be the sober person’s Drunk Asshole Hotel as Heather Havrilesky oh so aptly named Paradise Hotel in her landmark article on the greatest and worst thing to happen to TV in my lifetime.
Melville digression: And can I just take a minute to say “OH MY GOD!” I just discovered I can relive the magic of Drunk Asshole Hotel on the Fox Reality TV channel? I used to have to call my friend in LA, the only other person I knew who watched it, to decompress after each week’s show it was so f#%$&# awesome. All I have to do is upgrade my satellite subscription. How badly do I want to watch Paradise Hotel reruns? Let’s just say that never once have I even thought about upgrading to see The Sopranos, Six Feet Under or The Wire.
ANTM has become a completely absurd and all out shrine to Tyra Banks. It always was to some extent, but the level of produced Tyra worship has exceeded all boundaries of taste and explainable camp. Look at the increasingly Tyra-centric adorned model apartment, watch the way she stands when the models enter the room so that she towers over them and the other judges as they enter her court–Tyra–the queen of fierce fashion. Its as if being a “top model” for years wasn’t enough to quench the narcissicism of our dear Miss Tyra. Nope, the show has become almost exclusively about her rather than the models which is bad, bad, very bad. Mister Jay acts as Tyra’s effeminate court jester/enforcer, berating those ungrateful little model bitches every chance he gets, at least when he hasn’t donned some drag costume that forces him to live out his fantasy of being Jackie O. At least when Janice Dickenson was a judge, there was some kind of balance to Tyra’s taking herself all too seriously rule, but no more. Tyra ditched Janice at the curb because two uppity model bitches are one too many for Tyra’s kingdom. Remember how you hooted when Janice went after Kimora Lee Simmons’ weave? Or that little pretend French guy Nole with the Chihuahua on a pillow? Those were the good old days man. Now we are stuck with Twiggy, the official English milquetoast judge and Ms. Jay, who dresses like a cross between Carrie Bradshaw and Jackie O. The only reason I bother to tune in anymore is to get my weekly Nigel time, and now that he’s announced he’s married, who the hell cares. How many more model shoots where the models are satirizing models do I want to see? Its only clever ONCE.
Its been all WAY down hill from the first season of ANTM. That year’s cast was just too full of equal parts genius (Elyse, the model snooty bitches love to snicker with on her livejournal, and did you know she is dating a member of The Shins who will change your life?), trash (Yo, Adrianne!), and moral values (All praise to holy roller “dunk-a-dunk-dunk ass” Robbyne) to ever be replicated. The first season of ANTM and the first and only season of Drunk Asshole Hotel were TV seasons in time never to be recaptured again. We can only mourn their passing and hope, no doubt futilely, that some crazy ass TV executive will sneak one past the network and strike trash reality TV gold once again. Forget about The Amazing Race and Survivor. Can you say BORING? You can call those shows quality programming–I just call them lame. Big Brother All Stars at least landed in the right universe of the human laboratory gone berserk reality TV show. But really, how many times can you catch lightening in a bottle? I wonder if I can get Drunk Asshole Hotel on DVD?
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I agree with everything you’ve said…but I can’t seem to stop watching. Remarkably, the show’s appeal doesn’t really have much to do with the 18 year old bimbos (although Elyse was a fine contradiction). It has to do with the cast of “Fashion Insiders” and Judges that propel the shows into an aburd Twilight Zone of egomaniacal self-righteousness. LONG LIVE JANICE DICKINSON!