Reality TV Update: Top Chef, America’s Next Top Model Marathon and Top Design

Posted by Myrna the Minx on January 4, 2007 | Comments (1) | Trackbacks (0)

I don’t know about you, but I’m in heaven this week because VH1 has been hosting an America’s Next Top Model marathon—all ANTM all the time! Its mesmerizing to watch the seasons one right after the other because you can observe the transformation of “Tyra” into “Miss Tyra” into Queen Tyra into Crazy Diva Tyra flashing her eyes and slashing her arms around like Cleopatra on crack (I imagine anyway). Her increasingly grander, wilder, and more drag queenish entrances are that much more noticeable when seen as a progression. In season one, she shows the girls how to use their eyes. In season two, she adds the modely arms and neck, in season three, she begins to act out model plays where she is geisha and then crazy actress and then diva destroyer Hindu Goddess Kali. Its like the crazed tantrum she pulled on “Learn Something From This” Tiffani knocked something lose and now Tyra can’t control herself, and I sure as hell can’t stop watching. And as an added bonus, you can watch Tom Sizemore weep during the promos for his new VH1 show, Shooting Sizemore. Its like Breaking Bonaduce but with more death threats.

Top Chef reappeared post holiday season and has turned into the “everyone crush Marcel’s prissy little neck underfoot until there is nothing left but flesh foam” show. Yeah, he’s annoyingly pompous, and from Vegas, but man, do all six of the remaining contestants have to gang-up on him–even my beloved Ilan exposed himself is a big meanie who enjoys torturing those less equipped than he (that “never had sex” comment was way out of line even if it was true). I understand Ilan’s impulse though–I too have a sadistic streak. Pity the fool who shows me their weak side and forces me to treat them with contempt. Its all their fault really.

I’m glad Betty is gone–she was completely bitchy half the time and then annoyingly motherly the other half. She suckered all the guys except Marcel in with her mama act so what does that say about them? Schmucks. Even Sam, who normally seems like a pretty calm guy, kicked Marcel in the teeth when he was down–in a kitchen store no less. Its enough to make a minx hope Marcel can pull off the win. His chances would greatly improve if he could just stop with the foam already.

And next week–Top Design begins. Bravo seems to have gotten their particular spin on the reality TV show down. Use artists–they’re temperamental, intelligent, crazy, and creative people, and infinitely more interesting than the usual annoying nuts most other reality TV shows cast. The only potential problem I see with Top Design is its host–Todd Oldham. As Chandler from Friends would say: “Could he BE anymore boring?”

And James Ball has good taste (although its hard for me to get over his good opinion of Studio 60 on The Sunset Strip). Did you see the Top Chef contestants almost wet their pants when Tony Bourdain showed up for Thanksgiving dinner? Some quotes from the always quotable Bourdain:

“It’s as if Betty Crocker and Charles Manson had a love child and he’s cooking for me.”
“On a cruise ship with Kathy Lee Gifford on the Lido deck, I would expect something better than that.”
“What type of crack house are you running?”
“Just thinking about it puts me into a coma.”
“So perverse that I’m starting to enjoy it.”
“Despite its pure Flinstonian Execution, your twice-baked potatoes were the single greatest taste I had tonight. I mean it. You didn’t suck.”