Writing Rules for Bloggers

Yes, there are rules for blogging. Pay attention and share.

1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with…when you are speaking or writing in LATIN.
3. And don’t start a sentence with a conjunction unless you can’t think of another word to start it with. Time is a wasting!
4. What the hell is an infinitive and why would I care to split one? Isn’t that another Latin rule?
5. Cliches are fun, especially when you want to poke fun at something or someone. With cliches, everyone is in one the joke unless its a really bad cliche. But that just makes it a bad joke.
6. Alliteration is another artful way of accentuating an absurd attitude.
7. Be specific. Or don’t be. You’re not writing for the New York Times.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are a great way to avoid using other forms of punctuation (like contractions). Flow is what drives you (not commas and semicolons).
9. Redundancy is a must if you want to get your point across to all the dopes who don’t read your blog but should be. Its also good to capitalize IMPORTANT words just in case someone isn’t paying attention.
10. Hello? Sentence fragments are a must.
11. Contradictions should be pointed out in everyone else’s writing. Don’t worry if you contradict yourself–another blogger will point yours out for you.
12. Foreign words and phrases are a bien way to show off your useless and expensive graduate school education.
13. Always use more words than necessary so you can increase your Wordpress words-per-post count.
14. Generalize as 0ften as you like. Just be prepared to defend yourself. And if you can’t do that, then you shouldn’t be blogging.
15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches. Except when they’re not.
16. Don’t use no double negatives. It’s hard to argue with this rule unless you are attempting to use a cool colloquialism like “this ain’t no disco.”
17. Forget about eschewing ampersands & abbreviations, etc.; eschew eschew.
18. One-word sentences? Fabulous!
19. Analogies in blogging are as necessary as, like, “douche” is to Gawker.com.
20. The passive voice is to be ignored, unless you think what you’re writing is bullshit and are afraid to get called on it.
21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary, unless you’re not sure. I am ambivalent toward the serial comma; so sometimes I use it and sometimes I don’t.
22. Use a big word whenever it seems appropriate, like when you are satirizing Michael Berube or Jon Swift. But who would want to do that?
23. Exclamation points are your friends!!!!! Use them wisely, i.e., often.
24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
25. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth shaking ideas. Not!
26. One excellent benefit of blog writing is that it allows you to ignore apostrophes if you so wish.
27. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.” Oh wait, just avoid quoting Ralph Waldo Emerson.
28. Bad blogging over uses hyperbole; good blogging uses hyperbole semi-selectively.
29. Puns are seldom successful in blogging. People will just think you made a typo.
30. Avoid colloquialisms except in the case of rule #16.
31. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, most people reading your blog won’t notice. Why bother?
32. Who needs rhetorical questions? Hello?
33. Without exaggeration, blogging would not exist.
34. Try to proofread but don’t freak out if you leave out a word or an what someone else might thing is an important fact. Blogs are made to made to be edited.

Inspired by “Rules for Writers.”

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• Dr. John Gwaltney Is A Genius

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